I wish I could be this happy go lucky, outgoing, carefree girl that everybody thinks I am, but I'm NOT. Just for the record, this isn't me venting about pettiness and being overly dramatic or emotional. Nor is this me venting about the common "blues" that we all experience from time to time. This has absolutely nothing to do with that. This issue runs
FAR deeper than all of that ... This is about me being my worst enemy and waking up to the face of emptiness every dreadful day. I hide it because I loathe pity, I'm ashamed and afraid to be wrongfully judged, or thought to be some kind of "weirdo". Some people want to understand, but some things cannot be understood without experience.
Do you know what it feels to wake up day after day feeling lifeless, hopeless, tired, fatigued, apathetic, helpless, irritable, anxious, disoriented, distracted, incompetent, etc? Think about it ... Do you know what it feels like not being able to work, study, learn, eat, sleep, keep up with hygiene, and/or enjoy life? No, you don't? Well let me paint the picture. First, imagine yourself struggling to wake up. Then awakening but not being able to move because somehow your emotions have you paralyzed. You feel like a body with no soul; you practically feel like a vegetable or a zombie, you're just empty. You attempt to rise up in hopes of accomplishing something. Instead, it takes you about two hours to accomplish a task that would take a more 'stable individual' twenty minutes. I understand that this may sound a tad bit dramatic but what I'm attempting to express is nowhere close to the reality of what it's like to be challenged by depression each day. Now try place yourself in this situation. It's not easy, is it?
Sometimes all I want to do is cry, but I get wearied from crying. Most times all I want to do is sleep, smoke, pop pills and drink just for the sake of euphoria or escape from myself and the world. I wish I could simply snap my fingers and be okay. I wish I could shake myself out of it but some things in life are easy said than done. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel weak. and I feel worthless.
It's amazing how many people you can fool with "good looks" and charisma. Well, sorry to break it to ya' but you all have been deceived by a damn good actor ... I smile when I don't wanna smile, I laugh when I don't wanna laugh and for what? Just to convince myself and others that I'm happy and emotionally stable. Well guess what? I'm not, and truthfully I can't even remember the last time that I have been. Oh yeah that's right, my last (oh so short but sweet) taste of happiness was in the year 2010 ... THIS I remember
VIVIDLY. Unlike many people that experience "depression" it's usually a short term thing, a few days, weeks, months, but with me it's always been years. No matter what I do the feeling of emptiness still lingers within me ... Story of my life. Feel free to pass judgement. You can sit around and make this the topic of discussion, joke about this and you can even call me crazy, 'mental, retarded ... Call me whatever you want but if I write ...... Then perhaps the truth will set me free .. #thatisall
This is ....
the
REAL me.
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"There's no need to try to hide your emotions because they are too close to the surface. Even if you pretend that everything is okay, others will see both sides now. Stop resisting; those who matter will accept you just as you are."
