Do you know what it feels to wake up day after day feeling lifeless, hopeless, tired, fatigued, apathetic, helpless, irritable, anxious, disoriented, distracted, incompetent, etc? Think about it ... Do you know what it feels like not being able to work, study, learn, eat, sleep, keep up with hygiene, and/or enjoy life? No, you don't? Well let me paint the picture. First, imagine yourself struggling to wake up. Then awakening but not being able to move because somehow your emotions have you paralyzed. You feel like a body with no soul; you practically feel like a vegetable or a zombie, you're just empty. You attempt to rise up in hopes of accomplishing something. Instead, it takes you about two hours to accomplish a task that would take a more 'stable individual' twenty minutes. I understand that this may sound a tad bit dramatic but what I'm attempting to express is nowhere close to the reality of what it's like to be challenged by depression each day. Now try place yourself in this situation. It's not easy, is it?
Sometimes all I want to do is cry, but I get wearied from crying. Most times all I want to do is sleep, smoke, pop pills and drink just for the sake of euphoria or escape from myself and the world. I wish I could simply snap my fingers and be okay. I wish I could shake myself out of it but some things in life are easy said than done. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel weak. and I feel worthless.
It's amazing how many people you can fool with "good looks" and charisma. Well, sorry to break it to ya' but you all have been deceived by a damn good actor ... I smile when I don't wanna smile, I laugh when I don't wanna laugh and for what? Just to convince myself and others that I'm happy and emotionally stable. Well guess what? I'm not, and truthfully I can't even remember the last time that I have been. Oh yeah that's right, my last (oh so short but sweet) taste of happiness was in the year 2010 ... THIS I remember VIVIDLY. Unlike many people that experience "depression" it's usually a short term thing, a few days, weeks, months, but with me it's always been years. No matter what I do the feeling of emptiness still lingers within me ... Story of my life. Feel free to pass judgement. You can sit around and make this the topic of discussion, joke about this and you can even call me crazy, 'mental, retarded ... Call me whatever you want but if I write ...... Then perhaps the truth will set me free .. #thatisall
This is ....
the REAL me.
- "There's no need to try to hide your emotions because they are too close to the surface. Even if you pretend that everything is okay, others will see both sides now. Stop resisting; those who matter will accept you just as you are."
Oh, this is BEAUTIFUL girly. I seriously commend you cause I could never do something like this.. I mean I could but its hard for me to admit that i'm dealing with certain problems so how would I even put it in words.. definitely not NEARLY as good as you did. You're such a brave-hearted girl and thats what i'm going to start calling you; Brave Heart bc thats exactly what you are. People go about this situations other ways, even so far as committing suicide and you write or as you said go out have fun and drink just to get it off your mind & your a teenager, so nothing isnt wrong with that especially if you're responsible with it. and I wont give you the whole lecture about how you have no reason to battle with depressing bc I know from person experience that , thats doesnt fix the problem. Ppl can tell you your beautiful or you look so happy everyday but At the end of the day is what matters.. But what I will say is that its going to get better. I dont know when, and I don't know how but I can assure you its going to get better.. Its life, so it has too right? Pls reassure my faith girly..
ReplyDeleteBut all in all.. I LOVE YOU <3 and this was such a beau. and brave post.. & I'm proud of you .
keep up the work.
When you know yourself sometimes that's all you need to know. Be your own security and always look out for yourself.
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